determination

One of the reasons why I decided to audition for the musical this year instead of working on tech, was that I was determined to show myself (and the others who might have doubted me) that I could come back with a force and do a musical...with a prosthetic hip.  Considering I haven't been in a proper vocal class or lesson for two years, my singing was rusty; but with the thanks of my awesome friend, ironically enough, named Jessie, we got my voiced tuned up pretty well.  And the acting, I was confident with my acting.  I had been dreading the dancing part of the show though, because normally I'm not very cordinated when it comes to dancing to begin with, but then when you add in movements that my hip hasn't done in a few years the brain and muscles get incredibly confused.

But after tonight, I feel good about it all.

We had a dancing rehearsal tonight, and to tell you the truth, I'm surprised I haven't gone and passed out on the floor already (I'm sleeping on the floor tonight because my back is out again).  I went into the rehearsal feeling good about things, even though my stomach wasn't agreeing 100% with me, I toughed it out.  I had completely forgotten about the repetition of things...

We worked on Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat , which in our show, involves a lot of sitting, standing, sitting, standing, sitting, standing, sitting, standing.....so on and so forth.  And considering how fast paced the song itself was, it was difficult for us to know exactly when to do what, which lead to going over through the steps countless times again and again.  It wasn't too terribly later that my muscles started to freak out from such use all in one "sitting'.

I was determined to get it though.  My legs were feeling like jelly and my brain was yelling at my muscles to get in gear.  By the time we quit for the night my muscles seemed like a completely different part of me that didn't even listen to my brain; so much so, that I had a difficult time standing upright when I changed out of my sweats back into my jeans in the parking lot.

The thing that makes me most happy about tonight, isn't really the dedication of my fellow seniors were putting into helping to get the dance together, or the fact that we actually made it look presentable; but was how determined I was to do this.  Before hip replacement, I'm not sure mentally I would have continued on through rehearsals.  I would have opted to sit out most of the night, but not now, I maybe spent ten minutes total sitting out to stretch and give myself a break.

I know though, that with this determination in mind, I can do this show.  And I'm not regretting it one bit.

BEDA 3: big girl decisions

Tomorrow I get to meet my mom at school to enroll for my senior year of high school.  And let me tell you I'm extremely excited, I've been waiting to be a senior for nearly four years now and it's finally MY time.  I'm ready to get to finally start making decisions that will ultimately end up affecting my future because up until now it has always seemed that there's that one thing or someone who is holding me back from really going for what my heart and gut are telling me to do.

My mom just came home on her lunch break and before she left she came into my room and sat on my bed.  She told me that one of the school counselors, the one that I worked a lot with last year when we were trying to figure out my schooling situation when I had my hip replaced second semester; she said she had an enjoyable conversation with her.

When I found out that this school counselor had called my mom this morning, I was surprised, because I thought she would have been really busy with day one of enrollment being today.  I knew though once my mom told me she had called that this couldn't be good.

Mom started with telling me that she was just making sure that I would be back at the school for sure this year, yadayadayada.  She had asked my mom if I was ready to go back to school, yadayadayada.  Then she told my mom that I had to either finish my history class online that I didn't finish from last semester, before Thanksgiving (our fall holiday basically) or I had to give up forensics second semester so I could take both the English III class I need and American Studies.

WHAT?!

And of course, my mom is leaving it completely up to me to decide, she didn't even give me her opinion when I asked, she just told me it's my choice.  I mean, one side, I prefer to take the American Studies class at the school then finish it online, just for the fact that it's better in basically ALL aspects and I prefer to learn, especially when it comes to history, by lectures, not reading a never ending assignment that doesn't even go chronologically on the computer.  Then there's the fact that I've been really involved with our NFL (National Forensics League) chapter and I'm really excited for the forensics season this year because last year I didn't get to compete because I had my hip replaced.  And though I'm sure my coach will allow me to participate from outside of class, it just makes things easier if I were in the class.  But obviously, I have to chose one or the other.

As for right now, I don't know what I want to do. I think I might need to sleep on it tonight and see how I feel about it tomorrow, because honestly, there's pros and cons to both sides of this.  I'm sure though, whatever I do decide to do that I'll be fine with it, because honestly, I just want to get through senior year and graduate. That's my goal.  And I know it'll all work itself out eventually.

it's a choice

I thought I'd first start this blog post out by saying that this topic has really had me thinking over the last couple of days, and I've put off writing this blog about it because I wanted to give it a great deal of thought. I had to stop in the middle of cleaning to write this, I couldn't stand it any longer.

Recently I have been kind of obsessed with Youtube, and I've been subscribed to Kathy's channel, jsutkissmyfrog. I've found her to be a great person to just watch and she's so beautiful and has a wonderful voice.  A few days ago, she posted a new video up titled, In Defence Of Make Up - Beauty Ethics for the Unconvinced.


I watched the video, and it dawned on me, that it's completely true.


You, yourself has the choice of how you act and how you are perceived to others.  If you come off as a very serious and uptight person, you are the one to blame for that.  You have let yourself become that person.  I agree, that it is also up to you to change.  There isn't another person who can make you change, you have to have the will power and say, "Hey, this needs to stop and change." You've got to be the one to get the ball rolling so to speak.


Watching that video definitely gave me a lot to think about.  And, it's definitely helped me personally.  I've recently been looking at life in a different way since I undergone my hip replacement surgery and how that in it's self was and has changed my life.  I've let myself become a loving person who bites of more than she can chew. I've been a messy person for...forever, my room is a mess, like a tornado has gone through it cross your fingers, that just because I used this as a literary example, we won't have tornadoes tonight.... I'm a procrastinator. Probably the world's LARGEST procrastinator.  I've had the new push in my mind to make myself change, or at least work on some things. For example, I'm cleaning my room today, and since I've been spending so much time in here since my surgery, I feel that it will also help in my journey to make myself a bit better of a person.


I know I'm going to have difficulties with this personal quest I've given myself, but I know I can do it.  I remember a bit over a year ago, I went to a youth convention type thing for church.  I was a bit apprehensive to go because I had no idea where I stood with my faith. I knew there was something, but I just wasn't for sure what I felt. I felt that I was an outsider at first that weekend, because I didn't know the Bible like some of the other kids, I felt like I didn't know God.  Saturday night a pastor who had come to guest speak changed my life, helped me see what I wanted to be apart of, God's family.  I learned that weekend, that even if you weren't a Christian by birth, it didn't mean you couldn't be a Christian, it was a choice that you had decide. I had already labeled myself a Christian by that weekend, but that weekend onward, it made me feel like I really wanted to put in the effort and really be a Christian.


I highly suggest, if you're still reading this, that you check out that video, and even the rest of Kathy's channel.  There's a chance that she could get you thinking and maybe give you the urge to change some things around in your life. Hard habits are hard to break, but it doesn't hurt to give it a shot.