BEDD 31: thank you

2011 has brought tears of confusion, anger, happiness, pain, love, relief, sorrow and everything between.  The year has also brought me several fond moments I want to cherish for the rest of my life; moments that were tough but made me a better person, I want to remember these for when things get rough again in the future; and moments that I'd just rather forget even happened.  Through it all, I've learned a lot from someone I found one early morning when I coudln't sleep on YouTube.  This person I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet, but he's changed my perspective on things.  He is also the same person that I wrote half of my music history final exam paper over.

Mike Lombardo.

There really aren't enough words for me to express how much of an impact Mike has had on me this year.  I'm thankful that I found him when I did because I don't know how my year would have gone without his music.

One of the things that I really like about Mike is that he is so much into what he does, he puts all of his effort into what he's working on and produces something that is just magnificent.  He keeps pushing through and continues to do what he loves: music.

I've struggled a lot with people telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my life from the small things all the way up to some major things.  I've learned through watching Mike's video's on YouTube and listening to his music that no one can decide what I do and that I should do what I love.

One thing that 2011 has taught me is that the internet is a special place that can be used for great things.  It can allow you to reach out and help someone or multiple someones.  Mike has made me want to be a better person by not letting anything stop me from not only doing the things that I love but from being myself.

I can't thank him enough.

Mike, if by the slightest off chance that you've come across this; just let it be known that you've made an impact in my life and that I'm forever grateful for what you do. Never stop.

Link of the day: Page A Day So many different calendar choices to choose from to get sent to your e-mail daily. I got my mom and I each a Page A Day calendar for our desks, I just love them to death.

days until Senior Year Part 2 begins: 4
days until I become an adult: 7
days until graduation: 139

BEDD 30: a year in review 2011

I've seen a few other bloggers do this already and decided I'd do it too. There really isn't much explanation needed on this one.

JANUARY: Rang in the new year with a group of close friends and had a blast considering all the stress I was going through with all the doctor's appointments I had been coming out of with no new information.  A few days later I celebrated my seventeenth birthday with my mom and dad before we headed to St. Louis the following week for one hell of an interesting doctor's appointment.  Later then in the month, I saw my surgeon and set the date for my hip replacement; I could finally rest a little easier.

FEBRUARY: I was pulled out of school and stuck on an online program two weeks before surgery and managed to do a fair amount of school work considering how anxious I was for the big day to get there.  February 14th, 2011 I had my hip replaced and of course had some chocolate too.  I was visited by a group of close friends that still to this day I am very appreciative to have in my life and thankful they came to see me that night of surgery when I really wasn't very coherent and probably quite cranky.  I saw a new found ambition in myself that I didn't see before, one that wanted to prove everyone wrong about what they had once thought

MARCH: Nothing too terribly important happened except the recovering from surgery.  I was still working hard on regaining strength and mobility.  I also managed to get strangely addicted to March Madness basketball and became slightly outraged when I couldn't watch my teams play.  Went to the Department of Kansas Wildlife and Parks headquarters in Pratt for the first time ever; got my first hunting and fishing duo license and got to go through the  "museum" with dad.  A visit to Pratt also means eating at Donald's  Diner.

APRIL: I was still working hard, and my continuous hard work was paying off.  Went to SC and did a full campus tour with my mom, up the stairs, around the hill, down the stairs, in every building, around every building, up the stairs, down the stairs and around the hill.  It was such a great feeling to be able to keep up with a 20 year old who was taking full strides.  The awesomeness didn't stop here.  The week after that, I did a two mile walk in Wichita with my youth leader, we didn't stop but once during the entire walk.  Through both of these milestone events, it was just absolutely astonishing that the only pain I had at the end of the day was my calf muscles, and that was only because I hadn't been doing so much activity in months.  I also began driving again after not being able to be behind the wheel since early December because of the medicines I was on.  Also in April, I found several new artists and YouTubers who helped me through rough times; including Ministry of Magic boys, ALL CAPS, Mike Lombardo, Chameleon Circuit boys, John and Hank Green and various others.  Didn't do much fishing. :(

MAY: My mom and I moved out and moved to town.  Adjusting to living in town was a bit rough at first, but I found it easier as time progressed. I enjoyed walking most places, like the two blocks to the library and back.  I went to my best friend's graduation, which really put things into perspective for me; I had a year before that would be me.  And then the heat began.  Once again, didn't do much fishing. :(

JUNE: Hot, hot, hot.  June was the start of the hottest summer I've ever experienced in my seventeen years of living in Kansas.  For me, someone who enjoyed being outside started to prefer to be indoors at all times.  MRC classes started up again, I offered my wisdom and help to the theatre classes.  I got to see all of my family at our annual family reunion that was just far away that we could still sleep in our own beds.  I got to finally bond with Uncle Gale, seeing as he's the only one in the family who has gone through a hip replacement.  The same weekend, I went "swimming" for the first time since surgery and had a blast.  Except for my first time ever on a water slide, and ended up with a minor neck injury.  Giving up going to Girls State for the reunion was a great idea, I don't regret that decision one bit, quality family time is big for me.  Too hot to even think about going fishing. :(

JULY: MRC classes continued onwards, and I volunteered on the days when I could manage to get out of bed on time.  Fourth of July I spent at the nursing home volunteering for most of the day and then into the night as I got to help shoot off fireworks and hand out ice cream to the residents.  The trip to western Kansas to see the Bortz side of the family at Uncle Leon's funeral reminded me at any moment you can lose a loved one, and that spending quality time with the ones you love means more than anything else.  This trip also made me fall in love with Kansas all over again.  The hot weather continues on and so does the lack of fishing trips. :(

AUGUST: The start of senior year finally started with a big bang.  Old Settlers was hotter than any other on record, but it was still good fun because of the NFL booth, even if it ended with cool whip and honey in my hair.  Participated in BEDA for the first time, totally worth it.

SEPTEMBER: Wildcat football was off to a great start with the bashing we gave Pratt.  The musical finally gets a slow start, and last minute I decided to audition for a part instead of being head of costumes and make-up.  Cast in chorus I was at first upset but began to realize that theatre was more than I ever imagined it could be.  I also realized that I could set my mind to anything and achieve it.  Took the ACT for the first time, and managed not to die from it.

OCTOBER:  I learned who my real friends were.  Ate lots of sweets and had even more fun with my theatre family.  Joint pain became frequent; at one point the family doctor thought I might have had rheumatoid arthritis.

NOVEMBER: Attempted NaNoWriMo for the second year.  Got farther than last year, which was what I was hoping for.  Had a few rough patches before show week with my arthritis.  Had a great Hell Week, even if I didn't sleep much or get hardly any school work done.  I bawled like a baby during my speech at senior cast bonding, amazed at how much the people around me loved and supported me.  Had a fantastic show run with the rest of the cast, even if closing night ended in a weird way that none of us can really comprehend.  All that can be left said is Mrs. Batman is there, we all know it even if no one else believes us.  Celebrated Thanksgiving with Bubby, Tammy, Natasha and Robert; a great holiday was exactly what I needed.

DECEMBER: More stressful than I would have ever imagined.  Finished the first semester of senior year with a rough note.  Realized that my future is up to me and that I can't let anyone hold me back.  Celebrated a nice quiet Christmas with mom and dad; enjoyed the family time and mom's good cooking.  Moved with mom back in with dad.

link of the day:  Made In America I don't know how many times I've listened to this song. It's probably in my top favorite 100 songs for sure.

days until Senior Year Part 2 begins: 5
days until I become an adult: 8
days until graduation: 140

update: moving status

You know how I said we were moving on Saturday? That the movers would be out Saturday morning? Well, I found something out today. We're moving on FRIDAY, not Saturday. So that complicates things on my end a bit, considering that I had things planned out through the week up until the time the movers got here.  It looks like there's going to be a lot of coffee and tea intake between now and Saturday.

I realized yesterday that if I clean my car out, I'll only have to pile everything back into it to move it on Friday, which would be redundant; naturally I haven't even thought again to touch anything in that car.

Things to accomplish tonight include going through my clothes and piling up things that don't fit to give to Care and Share (similar to Goodwill) down town, clean out the hall closet, and gather my notebooks and magazines together into a box.  And I'm sure there's even more I could do tonight to minimize what we'll have to do tomorrow night.

BEDD 28: how music has changed things

For my last final exam for my music history class, we had to write a two page paper over how music has changed our lives.  Everyone was complaining because our teacher made it a whole TWO pages when we had almost two hours to complete it.  The page limit didn't phase me one bit after my senior English exam that morning. It really got me thinking, so long in fact that I didn't start writing until thirty minutes into the final.  I was in such a rush to write the two page minimum that I didn't get to proof my writing let alone make it a nice read.  I honestly wish I could have somehow gotten back my paper just so that I could transform it into something worthwhile a read.

I decided to just rewrite it and hope I remember what I wrote.

In 2010 I went through a lot of things that I don't ever wish to repeat and that I still have a tough time talking about even to my closet friends.  The beginning of 2011 wasn't that great either.  I learned though towards the end of February that music was one of my best friends.  Perhaps it was my new found interest in YouTube that helped me discover amazing musicians who now I can now say that their music helped me through the lowest of times in 2011, but I found that music was a way to express the emotions I was feeling and the thoughts I was thinking.

Music has allowed me to find comfort in in times of need to the point where I can always turn towards that one perfect song that can always make me feel better.  I  sometimes wonder if I have been relying too much on music, maybe I am but it helps.

Link of the day: Plants vs. Zombies Such an addicting game to play! I got so into it the other night that I was yelling at my laptop trying to get the zombies to go away.

days until Senior Year Part 2 begins: 7
days until I become an adult: 10
days until graduation: 142

update: moving status

Good news is good!  My mom called me earlier about noon to tell me that the lady she spoke with yesterday at the new internet service called and said that they would be sending a crew out to the house this Thursday.  I was relieved to hear this information because I was freaking out about school starting and not having any internet connection because I can almost grantee I'll have to use the internet for one of my assignments when we get back.

Cleaned some more out at the house for about three hours or so.  Went to the post office (after nearly getting in a car wreck with some old lady on Main Street) and got change of address forms for my mom and I.  Pretty uneventful day besides the errands and things.

Next on my to do list: take the Christmas tree down and clean out my car.

BEDD 27: revelations of the future

It seems like the questions: "What are you doing next year?" and "How did you decide on that, are you sure it's what you want to do?" are becoming more and more frequent as graduation draws closer and closer each day.

"What are you doing next year?" is usually answered with me grinning ear to ear and talking about my college of choice and their history program along with other awesome stuff from the college.  It's the following question that normally gets me tied up though, the: "How did you decide on that?"  To be honest, I'm not even sure.

There for a really long time I was bouncing back and forth between ideas of what I wanted to do after high school.  All of them though did include going to college.  First I couldn't decide on a college, then I couldn't decide on what I wanted to major in.  And then back and forth. I couldn't decide on a college or a major let alone both.  For a good solid year and a half I wanted to major in political science (polisci), and then I went to a meeting with the representatives from the college I'm (planning on) going to next year and those ideas started to slowly change.

SC didn't offer polisci as a major, and I was on the verge of dismissing it completely.  It's a private college with tuition prices to match.  For some reason, I couldn't get the idea of SC out of my head, the only major drawbacks at that time for me not wanting to go to SC were the tuition prices and not having my major.

As I continued through the semester, I began thinking about other routes I could take that could potentially make me end up in a similar area that I had orginially started thinking about, which at this point I can't even remember what that was but I think it had something to do with law school in the far off future.  I had then confronted my parents telling them about SC and how I would major in history and minor in polisci instead.  My parents were both really hesitant about even making an appointment to go down to the school for a visit let alone apply.

Since I stepped foot on the SC campus, I knew SC was the right pick for me, and once I started talking to the professors and students at SC, I started feeling more comfortable with my choice.  It only took the one visit for my parents to fall in love with the school too.  My mom is just as thrilled if not even more than I am to go to SC.

I don't know why, but the idea of studying history has grown on me so much over the last year; and I've learned a lot about myself too in the process.  I'm just happy that I've found something that I enjoy and can still learn so much about and a school that fits just right with everything I could imagine.

They tell us in school when we talk with representatives from colleges and universities from across the state that we don't have to know 100% what we want to do with our lives before graduation, that the majority of people end up changing their majors in college; but I enjoy learning the mysteries behind what we are today.  I honestly can't see myself not pursuing history, but then again, I'm trusting my gut and my heart to lead the way; I'm open to anything in life.

Link of the day: Entanglement Goodness, I've spent a lot of time playing this game for several days now.  I find it so addicting to play while watching the evening news.

days until Senior Year Part 2 begins: 8
days until I become an adult: 11
days until graduation: 143

update: moving status

I started packing last night.  I managed to pack all of my books up, all in one box, because my personal library isn't that big.  I also got most of my desk stuff packed up too.  And then, in a box all by itself, I have all of my Harry Potter things.

We, and by "we" I mean my mom, started making calls today about getting internet out at the house.  When we moved out in May we cancelled our internet out there because my dad has absolutely no need for it, and the cable we have was a separate company.  Well, we found a new provider that looks promising.  Which is great and all, but they won't be out until January 5th, next Thursday, to install all the stuff and get us up and running.  Bad news though, our Cox services are getting disconnected this Friday. So that's six days I won't have internet access; which is going to be a bit rough because I'm always online it seems, but I'll just play like we're camping. I'll read my books and do some writing before the new semester starts.

This all of course, is why I'm queuing up several blog posts since I was already planning the next couple of weeks out, I guess I'll just schedule posts.

Tomorrow I'm going out to the house and cleaning all day, which will be good because there's still a lot to do before we execute Operation Move Day 2.  I'll be by myself for most of the day, since my dad has doctor appointments all day in Wichita; but that's just quality time with my dogs.

I'll be tweeting though, with or without internet via my phone.

BEDD 26: favorite books of 2011

I used to be an avid reader when I was a child. My mom was always buying me books to read and we would spend a small portion every night reading together.  I continued to read quite often all throughout grade school and middle school, but high school changed that.  I'm sure it was the busy schedule of homework and rehearsals and all the other things I've done that made me put reading on the back burner to everything else. When I had my hip replaced in the months following during recovery I slowly picked up the habit of reading a little every night.  Back in May when I joined GoodReads.com I made a goal to read twenty books before the end of the year; I've already completed that goal and I hadn't really even begun to think about my favorite books I've read until someone asked me on Tumblr.

"Because memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with noting, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow." - Looking for Alaska by John Green

Looking for Alaska by John Green wasn't what I expected it to be; I think the hype around it made me think about it differently than what I should have been thinking to begin with.  To be honest, now months later, I can't remember what I had initially thought when I first started reading this novel.  I enjoyed this book because in a way it talked me through a friendship gone wrong, one that happened two years ago that I'm still having trouble getting my brain around.  I give mad props to John for his writing style, one that I'm actually a bit jealous of.

"There is a relationship between the mind and the body that can both create a physical condition and enable us to recover from it." - Nothing is Impossible: Reflections on a New Life by Christopher Reeve

I'm happy that I read this book when I did, because it was a time during recovery that I was feeling really down and didn't know what to do with myself.  I had this feeling that I might never fully recover, or that I wouldn't be able to go on and do the things that I had been dreaming about all year, like travel the nation and go to Europe.  Reading this book gave me something that my parents and my friends weren't able to give me; Christopher Reeve shared the reality he went through with such a massive change in his life, and though mine was no where near as great as his, the writing spoke to me and told me that things would be okay in the end, that if he could go on with life and do things he never would have thought he could do, then I can surely go on too.  There just isn't enough praise for this book; I admit, I cried through a large part of reading it, but it was worth it.

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer." - The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

I honestly don't even know why I enjoy this book so much.  I've read it twice this year, once for my junior English class and then again sometime after surgery.  There's a way in the writing that makes this book a good read for me.  I can also say that I enjoy the content of the book, though I haven't been able to actually closely examine it like I would like to.  But that's alright, because I get to read it again for class this semester for my junior English credit that I missed last year due to surgery.  I'm hoping that I can get something even more out of this book; I'm sure though that I'm still going to enjoy reading it once again.

Link of the day: 365 more days to go.

days until Senior Year Part 2 begins: 9

days until I become an adult: 12

days until graduation: 144

BEDD 25: a very happy christmas

Hello there everyone! I hope that you've all been having a great holiday wherever in the world (or universe) you might be.  Things have been good in my neck of the woods the last few days which doesn't make up for the lack of blogging... and thought I'd share a bit of what's been going on and what's going to happen in the next week or so.

My dad and I managed to do all of our Christmas shopping before Christmas Eve Day, which is when we normally do our shopping; we're procrastinators even when it comes to Christmas, which also explains where I get the procrastinating gene from...I only had to do one last minute thing on Thursday for my mom, which was a surprise, because I was actually shopping for myself with a gift card my great Aunt Dottie sent me and I just saw that one thing I just had to get my mom.  Don't worry, I did get myself something too; but it didn't even matter to me, I wanted to spend some of it on my mom, she deserves it.

Thursday was my dad's birthday, but for some reason we didn't end up celebrating it until Friday, but it was good anyway, 'cause my best friend Alicia (whom I will start calling A from now on, because that's what I call her IRL) her mom's birthday is also on the same day, and Friday we had decided to go down to Winfield to see the Isle of Lights display of freaking awesome Christmas lights.  It was great, the four of us in my  mom's truck, A and I in the back huddled under a pile of blankets because we were freezing.  It was like old times.  We came back from Winfield and came home so my dad could open his gift and eat ice cream and cake.  And then, somehow, we managed to sit around for the next couple of hours just talking and telling stories while we watched Jeff Dunham's Christmas special on TV.  The fun didn't stop there folks, when I took A home, we drove around a few neighborhoods talking and looking at Christmas lights, I then started grading each home's effort and "ooooh pretty"ness.  It was truly a fantastic evening.

The last few days we've been doing a lot of cleaning and things like that.  We're moving back in with my dad this coming Saturday.  Which, I mean, on our side of things it should be pretty easy to execute when the day comes; we're having professional movers come move our heavy things for us since we don't know what the weather will be like 100% until we actually start Operation Move Day 2, because we live in Kansas and you can never take a weather report 100%, but we've been doing some heavy duty cleaning out at the house.  I normally don't care to clean, let alone heavy duty cleaning, but it's been kind of a stress reliever in a way.  Or maybe that's just the motions of cleaning the walls that does that.

So yeah, we're moving on Saturday; kind of ready for it, I miss living out at the house. I miss my dogs and the privacy of not living above our neighbor.  Plus: I miss the long drive from school back home, it gives me time to unwind a little before I face my family and have to start chores and things.

Christmas Eve: pretty relaxed, I stayed home and watched How I Met Your Mother. I managed to finally finish season one.  I did however have to make a run to Dillions for green beans, scalloped potatoes and a gallon of milk for today.  Made it to Dillions only to find out that they're either closed Christmas Eve or close really early on Christmas Eve.  Me, of course, forgot my phone at home, so I ended up driving back to the apartment to tell my mom I'd have to go to Wal-Mart in the next town to get what we needed. AND that I was nearly out of gas; so I got to drive her truck, which has only happened one other time in the past year.  The trip was fine, not too much traffic, Wal-Mart was packed with people containing no common sense or manners...and we won't talk about the driver who cut me off in his small car that the truck would have completely totaled because he was being stupid and getting in too big of a hurry. Sorry, I'm still upset about that incident.

Today has been really good. I didn't get much gift wise, but I could care less. I'm just happy to have my parents healthy and happy.  They both enjoyed their gifts, and I swear, seeing my parents smile and freak out about their gifts as they unwrapped them was better than anything they've given me for Christmas in the past 16 years.  The only thing that could have made today even better was having my brother home; but I'm happy he's safe at home in Texas with his wife and kids.  Oh, did I mention the food was pretty good? 'cause it was.

Link of the Day: World's Largest Game of Ninja I was just thinking yesterday about things my friends and I have done over the years during high school.  One of the things that I remembered was playing Ninja before the homecoming pep rally.  And then I remembered this video from Vid Con 2011.

days until Christmas: 0! Happy Christmas!
days until Senior Year Part 2 begins: 10
days until I become an adult: 13
days until graduation: 145

BEDD 21: the secret book

I was actually quite excited to share another free write excessive I did a few weeks ago, but when I went through and looked for the document I had saved it in, I couldn't find it.  I think I might have accidentally deleted it when I was cleaning out my documents on my laptop.

That's alright though, because what I'm about to tell you pertains in a way to free writing.  Actually it doesn't, but it does have something to do with writing as you might have guessed from the title.

I'm writing a book.

I knew when NaNo ended last month that there was something I wanted to write about, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.  It definitely wasn't the route I had taken for my NaNo novel, but on a different path.  I actually didn't even figure out what path I wanted to go for this "secret book" until about ten minutes ago when I began to free write.  My original plan for this "secret book" was pretty out there and a confusing concept that I had already been having some questions about whether or not I wanted to even attempt that level of writing yet or not.

I'm telling you all for you to know, because even though I want to keep this to myself for a while, I feel like I need to let someone know of what I'm doing.  This book isn't just going to be for the fun of it, but to also help me learn about something I've always wanted to more about and to help educate others.

"Why are you telling us about it if you're going to keep it all a secret?" you might ask.  Well, BECAUSE. I just am.

Link of the day: The Party Music III video by LiveLavaLive makes me laugh so hard I'm to the point of tears every time I watch it.  Definitely a good one to watch if you're having a bad day, it'll at least put a smile on your face.

days until Christmas: 3
days until I become an adult: 17
days until graduation: 149

BEDD 19: where are the layers?

I would have never thought, a year ago, that I'd be making this type of blog post. It just blows my mind away in a way, mainly because it means that I'm growing up and stuff and things like that.

My senior English class (labeled English IV at our school) is pretty intense, by far my most difficult subject we're throwing maths out of the equation for now.  It's taken a lot of work to keep up, and even now with how much I've missed this term, I'm still behind; but dear God, I never would have thought that I would have learned so much about literature in general.  My teacher, Mrs. Perkins; SHE'S AWESOME.

Every time I read a book I can't help but think about things like motif, theme, symbolism and a bunch of other things that I've been working with for the last several months.  It just goes to show that those things have been pounded into my brain left to stay for forever, or at least until May 19th, 2012.  No I haven't been taking notes on the books I've been reading outside of class, but when I think about a book after I've finished it, all of it just appears in my brain.

The last couple of books that I've read, The Mermaid's Mirror by L.K. Madigan and Where I Want To Be by Adele Griffin haven't been up to par with my reading standards that I suddenly complied over the last few months.  On the surface these two books are good in their own individual and unique ways, but when I look deeper for a layer or two into what the book was supposed to say, I came up pretty empty handed and a bit confused in the end.

I wonder if I'm just overlooking books too much, or if I'm just a crazy loon who reads a lot of books for fun and analyzes them for funsies.  But then again, what if I was a lit major? Is that what lit majors do? Study books and analyze them?

I brought this up to my mom, how I wasn't finding many books that really interested me (also that I really don't care for series).  She told me quite bluntly that I needed to make the jump into adult novels and read some of her favorite authors that I've often questioned her about.  Which makes complete sense, since I often find that YA books are too simple for my reading tastes and don't have enough layers to them.  I've started a couple of David Baldacci books in the past year, but never finished them, but I enjoyed them immensely because of the level of reading the material was.

I don't know what I'm trying to say; but it just goes to show that even after all these years, I still love to read.

Link of the day: Best Fishing Bloopers I found this last week when I was surfing StumbleUpon when I was ill with the flu. My dad was here at the apartment and we watched it together and laughed so hard we were crying. Definitely a bonding moment since we both love fishing. I'm sure though, even if you don't care for fishing you'd find this at least a small bit entertaining.

days until winter break: > 1
days until Christmas: 5
days until I become an adult: 19
days until graduation: 151

BEDD 15: emotional wreck

You know, I feel like bawling right now. It's not because I had a bad day at school. Not because of arthritis pain or any of that.  But because my brother is hurting in a way that I've never seen him hurt, and it tears me to pieces because I can't do a single thing about it, let alone actually be there in person to give him a hug and tell him things will get better.

My brother and I are fifteen years apart, so it's been difficult at times in the past to connect with each other because of our age differences.  I think the only thing that we can connect on that doesn't require age is hunting and fishing, because it involves two of our favorite things, guns and fish.

Over the years I haven't seen too much of my brother Bill, who I call Bubby.  Fifteen when I was born, he went off to the United States Marine Corps boot camp right after he graduated in 1997.  He had been stationed in Okinawa for several years after he finished boot camp.  And then when the bombing of the Twin Towers happened, he had just coincidentally been state side during the events, not too long after that happened he was deployed to Kuwait where he eventually ended up in Iraq.

Here's the thing about Marines, they can appear emotionless and hard faced whenever they want.  Trained to focus and not let anything bother them in their path to completing their objective.  In all the moments that I've been with my brother, he's never appeared to be upset.  I have learned to read his face and know when he's angry or annoyed and when he's happy.  But today, today just makes me hurt too.

My mom got a message from my brother, about a good friend of his, Mr. Ken.  He worked with Mr. Ken since he had gotten out of the Marines back in 2004 and went to work at an oil refinery as a rigger.  Mr. Ken along with another man called Bomber, were like his older brothers he never had.  Mr. Ken and bomber helped my brother when he started working at the refinery.  Mr. Ken taught my brother so much about the line of work he's in that he's just amazed a man could know and care so much.

What has me upset about my brother, is this. He found out that Mr. Ken had passed away. That in itself is upsetting to hear about, but what I hadn't realized until my mom told me what Bubby said, was that Mr. Ken was only a year younger than our dad.  So that has Bubby and I both thinking.

It just tears me apart knowing that my brother is taking this news so hard, especially since it's the holiday season, and I can't be there to offer comfort.  All I want to do is get in my car and drive non-stop to Texas and give him a hug.  I've been thinking all evening about my brother and Bomber, and Mr. Ken's family.  I just want them to have some comfort right now and get through this.

I know this was a bit of a downer for a blog post as I slowly make my return back to blogging, but I've never felt this far away from my brother before.  Even when I was younger and he was in Iraq.  But I can't even compare those two because I was younger and didn't understand.

Do me a favor?  Tell your friends and family you love them; life is just too short.

Link of the day: SolarBeat is indescribable.  It combines music with our solar system and is just completely beautiful.

days until winter break: 6
days until Christmas: 10
days until I become an adult: 23
days until graduation: 155

BEDD 12: not the time

Today's blog comes in many parts.

PART 1

The lack of blogging the past week has been due to the fact that my mom, dad and I all ended up getting really ill with the flu. It was so bad. I can't even begin to tell you, in fact, I'm not ever going there because I want to spare you from the horribleness.  I can't remember the last time I was this ill where I couldn't do much of anything just because my entire body just ached.

PART 2

And of course, I had to fall really ill at the middle of a semi-important week that lead up to the ACT on Saturday, of which I did not attend because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus or not get sick for four.  Also, thought I was in the clear to go back to school today because I was feeling a lot better yesterday afternoon, GUESS NOT. And that's all we'll say on that matter.

PART 3

I'll still complete BEDD, but not with the structure I've outlined myself, because this month I actually have a lot on my mind that I want to blog about specifically.  I will however keep Wednesdays and Sundays the same, I kind of like those days.

PART 4

Also, this is irrelevant to everything else that I've mentioned, but for my (really lousy) goal that I set for myself this year on GoodReads, I'm two books away.  I finished the book I had been reading today, because of the whole still being ill and not ready to go back to school thing.  I was holding off on re-reading the Harry Potter series until the New Year, but I decided I'd go ahead and read the first two to finish off my goal, plus things have been rough lately (not just being ill) and I've always reverted back to reading the Harry Potter books when I get in a major funk, they always seem to help.

PART 5

Also irrelevant, I still haven't even started Christmas shopping yet.

Link of the day: Christmas Doodles just made me smile quite a lot and just uplifted my day. Plus it got me back into the holiday spirit.

days until winter break: 9

days until I become an adult: 26

days until graduation: 158

BEDD 5: traveling America

I'm sure that I've mentioned this before, that I want to travel through all 50 states in the United States and our territories.  I want to do this even more since I've narrowed down my options on my major for next year.  I've decided that out of all the history of the world, I want to study that of my favorite country and the one that I call home.

I find wars extremely interesting, although many believe that the wars and conflicts that we have been in through the years shouldn't be spoken of, I completely disagree. I believe the extreme opposite. We should learn everything we can about the wars we've been directly and indirectly apart of, including the views of others in other countries on the war in question.

The most interesting wars I find, which is difficult for me to pinpoint because of them are completely different in many senses, is the Revolutionary War and the Civil War.  Both of these I automatically think of when I think of my future plans to travel through all 50 states and territories.  Without the Revolutionary War (and Civil War) we wouldn't be the country that we are today, and we wouldn't have any significance to places on the east coast where so many people lost their lives.

Anyway, back on track. There for a bit, I was considering of deleting this blog. I don't really know why, but I was strongly considering it.  But then when I began to think about the conversations I've had with my brother about traveling during and after college and university, I decided not to delete it after all.

Bit of a ramble, and not really completely finished with in thoughts, but I think this is all my brain can handle for now, I'll continue on Saturday maybe...

Link of the day: Wayne Moran Photography is just awesome. I don't even know how I found such awesomeness, but I did. I am just in love with this photography I could probably spend all night just drooling over these photos.

days until ACT round 2: 5
days until I become an adult: 34
days until graduation: 166

BEDD 4: airplane firsts

Yesterday while I was decorating the apartment with my mom, I started to think about past Christmases.  Most of them have been the same, staying at home with mom and dad and just have a nice lazy day full of food and movies and occasionally some years we had snow.  There are a handful of Christmases that we weren't at home like we usually were.  This then lead me to think about the Christmases we spent in California visiting my brother and his first wife that we don't speak about in our family any more.  That then lead to me thinking about all the airplanes I had ridden in my lifetime because of those trips.

When I was younger, and I think this is still mostly true to today in some aspects, I was really afraid of heights.  Which some people find ironic since I'm pretty tall compared to others.  I didn't really care for airplane rides, they kind of freaked me out. Especially after 9/11.  That's why every time we went to the airport to board a plane to head to California you always saw me with a backpack with the essentials in it: coloring book, notebook, crayons, and usually a book to read.

Out of the handful of times I have ridden an airplane I've never slept on one, used the restroom on one, or even stood up on one.  For a child that couldn't sit still for long, I think plane rides were the only time I was some what subdued from my normal personality.

The last Christmas that we went to California for, our plane from L.A., if I recall correctly, took us to Cincinnati.  From Cincinnati we were put on commuter jet that took us to Wichita.  If you've never been on a commuter jet let me explain to you what it's like. They're small, compact and small. Did I mention small?  My parents were seated across the two foot isle from me, where I was sitting beside a man in his early thirties with his two kids in the seats in front of us.  Doesn't sound bad, right? I mean it wasn't a very long flight, but considering I was about seven or eight scared of heights and planes I was put onto a small compact plane.  It freaked me out.

And then, the man's little boy claimed he had to go to the bathroom. So naturally, with me being on the outside seat so I could still be near my parents, I had to stand up to let the man out of his seat to take his son to the back of the plane.  Doesn't really sound horrible, but I was scared to death to even unbuckle my seat belt let alone stand up to let him out and then stand back up to let him back in.

Lame, anti-climatic story I know, but I still remember those plane rides.

Link of the day: booksandquills is the YouTube channel of Sanne where she talks a lot about a variety of books.  I've always enjoyed watching her videos and she's kept my want to continue reading sparked with new books to add to my reading list.

days until ACT round 2: 6
days until I become an adult: 35
days until graduation: 167

BEDD 3: favorite NCIS quotes

After reading Kathy's favorite Doctor Who quotes on herblog, I decided I pick some of my favorite quotes out of my favorite show NCIS.  My family and I have been watching NCIS since it started, and before that we watched JAG which in several senses was really similar. There are so many good moments throughout the show and all of it's seasons, these are just a few out of the pile.

Season 8, Episode 10: "False Witness"

Gibbs: Facebook. that's the thing that some people...do stuff with?

Ducky: The term is social networking.

Season 8, Episode 8: "Enemies Foreign"

Gibbs: Officer Hadar. You almost made me spill my coffee.

Hadar: Americans...You can never just say hello.

Gibbs: How about shalom? Hello and good-bye.

Hadar: And peace, Agent Gibbs.

Gibbs: Not a lot of that when you're around.

Season 7, Episode 2: "Reunion"

McGee: What are you doing? I'm not the sidekick.

Tony: I'm the boss when Gibbs isn't here.

Gibbs: Gibbs is here.

Season 7, Episode 4 "Good Cop, Bad Cop"

Ziva: Look, I have learned many things from Gibbs, and one of those is that there is no such thing as an ex-marine.

Season 4, Episode 16: “Dead Man Walking”

Ziva: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.

Tony: Mossad?

Ziva: Maybe.

Tony: Internet dating?

Ziva: [picks up a paperclip] I will kill you 18 different ways with THIS paperclip!

Season 3, Episode 21: “Bloodbath”

Abby: I dated him last year and things just got a little out of hand.

Tony: Did I mention the restraining order?

Abby: Ok it was lot out of hand.

Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me, Abby?

Abby: Because, Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Link of the day: The 8th Horcrux is a wizard rock band from Kansas that I found over the summer when I was just hanging out on the interwebs on bandcamp. I'd definitely give them a look if you like wizard rock.

days until ACT round 2: 7

days until I become an adult: 36

days until graduation: 168

BEDD 1: motivation

I'll be completely honest with you. I miss blogging, and I miss it a lot. I just lack motivation. And unfortunately it's not just blogging that I lack motivation with.  I've been lacking motivation when it comes to a few of my classes.  And that alone is really really bad considering that there's less than a couple of weeks left before we take finals and go on winter holiday.  Once again, I'll be completely honest; my grades aren't at their best right now.

I don't know what's happened, I was going strong for about 3/4 of the semester, between actually doing my homework and enjoying the classes; then BAM! I just fell out of it, and it really frustrates me.  After the horrible academic year that was junior year, I was really hoping to get things back on track and make an impression on my transcript for college, but at this point, it looks like it'll be the same thing once again.

It seems like the only motivation that I have for anything right now that keeps me going to school every day is that there is less than six months until graduation and then after that I can I can move on and do things in my life that I want to do and get away from the people that keep holding me back.    Going back to the fact though that I've run out of motivation, the only way I'm keeping up right now is doing just the bare minimum to pass, and that in itself just irritates me so much, that I'm allowing myself to do that.

This probably doesn't make any sense, but my brain just doesn't work like it should at times.  What I'm trying to say is that December is here now, and I want to make it worthwhile.  I'm going to be Blogging Every Day in December in hope that I'll be able to get back into blogging.  I'm also setting up a schedule to go to the gym so I can really focus on strengthening my muscles because all my leg muscles have gone back to being pieces of flimsy licorice.  I want December to be a good month, and a good way to end 2011.

Side note, I have a bit of a plan for December when it comes to blogging, so be ready for some structure of some sort. :)


days until ACT round 2: 9
days until I become an adult: 37
days until graduation: 169