writing insecurities

Today is the last day of January 2012.  It is also the day my editorial paper for my English 3 paper was due.  Let's not forget, today was also the day that my arthritis decided that it hadn't come around much and decided to kick my ass so hard I ended up staying in bed crying myself to sleep instead of going to school.  Yup, what a great way to end Jaunary 2012.  Don't worry though, this isn't going to be the end of today.

Although I did spend the majority of my day in my bed whimpering in pain, and the other half sitting on the couch watching Formual One Racing for no real apparant reason, I did something I've never done before.

As I said, my editorial paper was due in English today.  My teacher doesn't take late papers, which is understandable since the last three years she's taught at MHS juniors just didn't show up on due day thinking they could get out of it.  I made it extremely clear to my dad that he was in charge of taking my paper, research and other needed items into the school and give to the front desk.  I pressured him so much he kept repeating what I said to him before he left for his doctor appointment.

I've had mixed feelings on this editorial.  Not only was it my first editorial that I wrote, but I was ill the day that everyone picked topics so the ones I wanted were gone and I was left with the bottom of the barrel scraping around for something somewhat interesting to research and write about.  I ended up with a topic over milk, which does sound funny I know, but it intrested me enough considering me other options so I chose it.  I became extremely frustrated when I couldn't figure out how to sort through the almost meaningless research I had found, and even more frustrated when I began to actually write the paper in class and my teacher offered no real support.

The thing with me is this, I love to write. I enjoy writing papers for schools, they don't bother me.  I'll put a lot of work into a project and when I turn it in I become so overly anxious and nervous that it's all I think about.  Even with just free writing, I'll write for twenty minutes with no filter in my brain to see where my imagination will take me.  Then, instead of sharing it I push it away into the files of my laptop to never been seen again.  Even when it comes to blogging I second guess my abilities when I post something.  I wonder if I wrote that to the best of my abilities or if I just half assed it and should delete it to just forget it ever happened.

I'm sure that several people feel similiar, that they work really hard on a project and then fear for rejection or something similiar.  It really upsets me though.  I love writing so much, and it's become ever so apparant in the last few months.  With working on the Secret Book project, it makes me nervous already, and I'm only within the first five chapters of the book.

What I did today though, it took a lot of talking to myself to do it but I did it.  I put my editorial on Writing.com for the whole interwebs to see.  I won't lie, I was extremely nervous when I pressed the saved button even though I knew I should be confident in my hard work and writing.  I then left the website for a hour or so and focused on some other things.  When I went back, I was shocked to find that I had two reviews on my editorial, both of which where informative and offered very good advice in how to tweak a few things and urging me to continue to write.

Just those two reviews changed my thinking on my abilitiy as a writer.  I know I'm not the best that I can achieve, I still have a lot of work to do to better my writing skills.  I also know that not everyone will like what I produce, and that's fine.  I feel a lot better now in more ways than I can describe, taking that plunge and hitting save was what it took to show myself that the things I produce aren't all that bad.

Out of all this, it made my day considerably better and gives me the push I needed to keep on writing.

If you feel so inclined to read my editorial, it can be found here.

Now, I just need to push through my reading and tackle that book report for Topics.

days until MDT: 4
days until Valentine's Day: 14
days until graduation: 108

interesting days

When I said earlier that you might not see much of me until spring, I didn't realize how true that statement was when I made it.  This semester is really going to be a test of patience, hard work, and commitment among all other things.

I have seven classes at school and then another class at the Learning Center (which I normally just call TLC) that is online based. They're all pretty easy classes, course wise, but the homework gets piled up on top of each other is what gets me.

Earth Space (ES) is easy in the sense that the topics we cover in class really interest me.  I don't mind the homework that's assigned because it helps me understand the material and is normally quite easy.

English 3 (E3) is a true test of patience.  Being in a class with juniors really has me wanting to bang my head against my desk every day.  Not only is the maturity level slightly different (or in the case that is my class, a lot different) but the teacher is different than I remember. I can't wait until we finish this editorial paper and start working with The Great Gatsby. I'm more than excited for that to come my way.

Advisory (A) is a twenty five minute class we're required to sit through every day but Wednesday.  It's basically a study hall, and is in my mind quite redundant since I'm more tempted to talk to my friends than actually do homework.

U.S. History and Topics normally we just call it Topics (T) is basically just U.S. History from 1950's to current 2012.  It's not bad, we just do a lot of book assignments, which is starting to get extremely boring. We also just got assigned a book report, which I am entirely too excited to do.

English 4 (E4) not much has changed from last semester, I'm still not sure what I think.  This is by far my most challenging class.

Mathematical Thinking (M) I honestly don't know what the purpose of this class is.  The teacher rambles too much and the kids in the class are extremely annoying and immature. I would rather suffer through Algebra II than sit through this all semester.

American Studies (AS) basically this is just the other half of T, except it's another junior class that I have to make up because of my hip replacement last spring.  Not too terrible of a class, but it's pretty much the same as T.

Algebra II (A2) this is actually been easier and more enjoyable than M has been thus far.  It might be because I'm in a quiet room working by myself and self teaching from the text with help from the teacher.

This past week has showed me how hectic it's going to be this semester.  I was ill the week before for three days so I was still catching up on that and then keeping up with work from this week.  On top of that, we started rehearsals for the mystery dinner theatre on February 4th, so that's going on.  And then, I'm starting a gym routine this week.  It will only get busier too, with college stuff starting I may be taking more trips to Winfield.  I'll start to sort through graduation things. Not to mention when the spring show starts I'll have four rehearsals a week for three to four hours each night.

On top of all this, I'm squeezing in writing time.  I'm trying to write 750 words a day on 750words.com that is also going to be time spent writing on my Secret Book.

Goodness, I rambled, didn't I? That's what happens when I go to the gym, bike five miles in thirty minutes, then go to a youth group meeting for two hours to come home.  I'm extremely tired and I still have a small mountain of homework to accomplish tonight.  The feeling though isn't too bad.  I much rather be busy and overwhelmed than in a terrible amount of pain that I can't control, and be overwhelmed.  A year ago today, I couldn't have been doing everything I am today.

Here's to hoping I'll be seen somewhat soon! And lots of sleep too, if I can fit that in somewhere.

Link of the day: 750words.com It's been helping me pre-write a little bit here and there for my Secret Book. Definitely a good tool to have. I'm challenging myself to write every day in February on the site.

days until MDT: 13
days until Valentine's Day: 23
days until graduation: 117

BEDD 21: the secret book

I was actually quite excited to share another free write excessive I did a few weeks ago, but when I went through and looked for the document I had saved it in, I couldn't find it.  I think I might have accidentally deleted it when I was cleaning out my documents on my laptop.

That's alright though, because what I'm about to tell you pertains in a way to free writing.  Actually it doesn't, but it does have something to do with writing as you might have guessed from the title.

I'm writing a book.

I knew when NaNo ended last month that there was something I wanted to write about, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.  It definitely wasn't the route I had taken for my NaNo novel, but on a different path.  I actually didn't even figure out what path I wanted to go for this "secret book" until about ten minutes ago when I began to free write.  My original plan for this "secret book" was pretty out there and a confusing concept that I had already been having some questions about whether or not I wanted to even attempt that level of writing yet or not.

I'm telling you all for you to know, because even though I want to keep this to myself for a while, I feel like I need to let someone know of what I'm doing.  This book isn't just going to be for the fun of it, but to also help me learn about something I've always wanted to more about and to help educate others.

"Why are you telling us about it if you're going to keep it all a secret?" you might ask.  Well, BECAUSE. I just am.

Link of the day: The Party Music III video by LiveLavaLive makes me laugh so hard I'm to the point of tears every time I watch it.  Definitely a good one to watch if you're having a bad day, it'll at least put a smile on your face.

days until Christmas: 3
days until I become an adult: 17
days until graduation: 149

NaNoWriMo 2011: a glimpse of the first 6,000

I decided since I can't really string along anything important enough sounding of a blog post for you guys to read, since it IS NaNo time. I decided I'd share with you a small portion of my novel from the first 6,000 (I haven't quite made it there yet, but I'm rounding up, I'm at 5,837 words currently).  Feel free to comment what you think and stuff like that.

Also, this is unedited. Just "word vomit" as I read in a comment earlier today in the forums on the NaNo site.


           Sam and Dae were pretty close siblings considering how much their father favored Dae and their mother favored Sam, many people thought that the favoritism would eventually tear the siblings apart. But it hadn’t, or at least not yet.  Sam Schneider standing tall at six feet and three inches towered over both Dae and their father. He was by far the most athletic out of the Schneider family, he was on the school swimming, basketball and soccer teams for his entire high school career and continued on playing soccer in college at New York University.  The only thing that really resembled his father was his ability to argue on anything and stand behind his beliefs and research.  Although he never debated, Sam was a genius when it came to finding the truth out about something and could plan a strategy that no one could understand or see coming at them.  Sam was what his father called “lawyer material” but still wanted to be proved that he had it in him.

            “What are you doing tonight?” Sam asked as he walked through Dae’s open bedroom door and shut it behind him before making his way over to sit on a pile of neatly stacked clothes on her bed.  He watched her from her bed as she started replacing things in her room and pulling a few things out of her suit cases they used to pack her things up from school.

            “Probably meeting up with the others in the City to celebrate before all hell breaks loose." Dae responded as she placed a photo frame with her and Brooke at a boutique in Paris from two summers ago.  Letting out a sigh she turned to face Sam, “Why? What’s up your sleeve?” She questioned with a sly grin beginning to slide onto her face.

Today was awesome because: I received  my piano book in the mail today.

current location: freezing bedroom

current word count: 5,837

days until the fall musical: 15

days until I become an adult: 66

days until graduation: 199

halloween and things NaNoWriMo

I'm not going to spend this blog talking about ToTsKCE that went really well, or about my views on Halloween, but regardless HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

This post is primarily to talk about NaNo, once again, but a bit more in depth.  And yes, there are a LOT of things to cover.

PART 1

If you're on the fence about doing NaNo, sign up and join the fun (I think there's still time to sign up...), even if you don't have enough time to write the entirety of 50,000 words it's worth a shot.  It's not like we'll never talk to you again, and besides, wonder "what if"s are a waste of time!  Just go on to www.NaNoWriMo.org and check things out for yourself.

PART 2

I spent quite a lot of time last night on the interwebs just waiting for Tuesday to get here so I can start writing, so I spent a lot of that time looking for other tools and ideas to use during November as I write my novel.  One of them that I found, not really a tool, but just a cool place to go to read about other NaNo novelers' experiences and tips and tricks is WriMosFTW!  I highly recommend checking that place out for some inspiration if you get in a sticky place during your noveling.

PART 3

Also, this goes along with PART 2, I found this dandy tool called Write or Die! (no you don't actually die if you don't write) but it's a really cool thing to use to keep you writing.  You can set a timer for up to 2 hours or for a word count goal.  Pick a grace period, depending on how long you want to allow yourself to think between thoughts and a consequence level.  I messed around with it a bit last night, but I honsetly don't remember too much of it considering I was studying for my civics test today (which I think I dominated) and it was like midnight.  I would give Write or Die a shot at least once during the month to get your daily word count in so you can see if it works for you or not.  The whole purpose of it is to just make you write, and not edit as you go.

PART 4

This is definitely a major linkage blog post...I also found these neat NaNo calendars to put as your desktop background, I'm using the purple one.  You can find them right here, and there's several colors to chose from!

PART 5

I know this might be too late for some depending on how they run, but maybe not for others.  I've got a calendar set up in my room, basically telling me what I have to do and what I need for the day everyday during the week on a massive bulletin board.  Also, I've set up my Google Calender so it's got everything scheduled that needs to be scheduled so I won't forget, or lost my planner (which happens frequently) and forget something important.  Also, I've got a specific notebook set aside that I'll pack in my school bag and theatre bag so I can write on the go.  Organization is probably the only way I'll make it through November.

PART 6

I still don't have a title for my novel yet, but I'm sure that will come at some point.  I'll share more details about my novel throughout the month, who knows maybe someone can help me come up with a title?

And, I think that's about it.  If I missed something, I'll probably edit in, but I honestly don't think I missed anything...

OH! Happy noveling everyone, wherever you might be!

[[EDIT]] I forgot to mention that you can buddy me on NaNoWriMo.org, just look out for me as As.Is!

Today was awesome because: out of all things awesome that happened today, my business teacher gave us candy in class, she was the only teacher who handed out candy to her students. :)

location: freezing bedroom
days until NaNoWriMo begins: 3 hours
days until the fall musical: 17
days until I become an adult: 68
days until graduation: 201

free write: too much pressure

I've been meaning to do a few free writing excersices before NaNo starts, but I havn't really been able to do any because my lack of time and brain engergy.  Today though, in my music history class we were listening to music from the romantic period, and though the first couple of selections were good, I couldn't just sit there and listen to the music.  So I flopped down on the floor, sprawled out with my notebook and pencil and started writing.  I was going for a 40 minute free write which would have lasted until the school dismisal bell, but about ten minutes before that we got on the subject of graduation so all my focus was averted else where.

And I thought maybe you'd like to see what I wrote. *bashful smile*  I would like to preface this with the fact that it was mainly inspired by the fact that the first selections of music that we listened to today in class was those primarily composed of piano, since the romantic time period is when they really started using pianos as a center piece if you will.  Also, this is unedited or proofed, so keep that in mind...

Too Much Pressure

Michelle pounded on the keys of her piano in frustration. She was thankful though that she was the only one in the piano hall since it was three thirty in the morning.  Things from the outside looked good in Michelle's life, it would be confusing for anyone to see or hear her banging on the one thing that made Michelle such a known person.

That in itself was part of the frustration Michelle was feeling.  She had been taught by world known pianists, even taught her own classes to adult beginners.  Michelle hadn't even applied to the university she was attending, they wanted her so badly for their music program they made offers that even Michelle's extremely wealthy family couldn't pass up.  She had all that weight on her shoulders, to continue to be the "best". It wasn't like she didn't love playing anymore but all the pressure was definitely taking a toll on her.

Folding her sheet music up and slipping into a folder specifically for her recital music Michelle let out a sigh.  As she poked out a simple rhythm using only middle C, she couldn't help but wonder what could have been if she had never came here.  Or even yet, if she pursued something in another field.  Pounding one last time on middle C, Michelle stood up and left the hall headed back to the dorms to sneak into her dorm room without waking her room mate, Alexis, up.

It seemed like the walk back to her dorm room that morning helped clear Michelle's head.  waking up in a good mood she had happily agreed to get breakfast with Alexis.  Instead of wearing a nice pair of jeans that she normally wore while at school, against her mother's protests, Michelle chose a coral floral print dress that fell right above her knees.  Instead of her Converse, aslo not approved by her mother, she chose a pair of nude pumps that made her tall stature even more apparent.

"You're in a good mood." Alexis noted with a smile as they left the building.

"I guess so." Michelle said nodding her head slightly.

"How many more weeks until the senior recital?" Alexis asked.  "You're staying at the hall later and later every night." Alexis pointed out.

Today is awesome because: I finally got to free write!
current location: homework covered desk in my warm bedroom
days until NaNoWriMo begins: 6
days until the fall musical: 23
days until I become an adult: 74
days until graduation: 207

unicorn random

Preface: I'm in a really good mood right now but also short on time, so this will probably contribute to lack of cohesiveness.  Also, I have a weird obsession lately with unicorns. I blame Krista Horner.

PART 1

Considering how much school I've missed in the last two and a half weeks mostly due to a really bad sinus infection and basically every single joint in my body hurting to the point where I'm limited in moving, today was a REALLY productive and good day at school. I managed to get everything organized finally, which I've been needing to do for a super long time but things kept being pushed my way.  I'm hoping that within the next week, if it productivity stays like it was for today, that I'll be mostly caught up.

PART 2

I finally got enough nerve to shred the paper application up and apply online to SC.  So that's a thing.  Now all I have to do is write my essay, which you'd think would be pretty easy for me considering how I enjoy writing and blogging. BUT IT'S SO MUCH HARDER THAN THAT.  I have absolutely no idea how to write about myself technically.  Although, it's mostly just coming up with interesting transitions to transition from my points, because let's be honest, when they ask for some back ground information about you plus your goals in life AND how the school can help you achieve them, it's a bit difficult to come up with transitions that are just run of the mill. I guess I'm just making this too difficult on myself. I just really really want my essay to stand out.

PART 3

I'm pretty much recovered from taking the ACT on Saturday.  It didn't feel like it took four hours, but I guess that's all because I was so focused on it.  To be honest, I'm sure my scores are pretty horrid looking. Except for the grammar, it's basically like proofing a paper, and that was really easy. Especially since it was multiple choice, I like multiple choice questioned tests.

So once we get the feedback from ACT it'll be sent down to SC and, allowing that I've already sent my essay, the admissions office will look at my application.

PART 4

I once, a very long time ago, thought of majoring in English.

NEVER.

PART 5

I currently hold in my position my good friend's keyboard piano.  And of course, considering piano is something I'd like to learn, have been taking advantage of having it in my posession.  I'm so committed to learning that I managed to talk my mom into getting an adult beginner piano book from Amazon.  Also, my best friend Jessie, she gave me some sight reading books to practice with since I was never good at sight reading to begin with.

PART 6

Remember when I said I was going to give blood a while back? Yeah, I survived, obviously.  And today I finally got a letter from the American Red Cross.  It was basically a letter thanking me for donating and the statistics of young adults and children who need blood, and how most first time donors never donate again.  I mean, that was cool and all, but I got a special card with my name and blood type on it for future donations. I think that's the moral of this story. Is that I have yet another special card to carry around with me.

PART 7

I'm. so. excited. for. NaNoWriMo. to. start. already.

PART 8

The show is going...good.  We're behind since we started a couple weeks later than we normally do with musicals.  But I've got my costumes lined out and things.  Now I just remember the dancing, music and when to go on stage.  Oh, I still need to learn how to BE A MAN. It'll probably come more natural once we start doing runs in costume.

Today was awesome because: it's been super productive.

current location: on the floor in my bedroom

days until NaNoWriMo begins: 7

days until the fall musical: 24

days until I become an adult: 75

days until graduation: 208

NaNoWriMo 2011

Hey internet type people! I hope your week has been great, or at least better than mine, but we're not here to talk about that.  I want to talk about something that I found  out about a year ago and have been itching the last couple of months to get started on it.

National Novel Writing Month, otherwise known as NaNoWriMo or in short, just NaNo.

If you don't know what NaNo is, it's quite simple to explain. You write a novel of at least 50,000 words in the month of November.  It probably sounds a bit crazy if you've never heard of it before, because I know when I first heard of NaNo I couldn't help but think that everyone was just nuts to do such a thing.

I participated in NaNo last year, though I didn't get very far.  I only ended up with about 4,000 words, but for me considering what I was going through a year ago I think I did a good job.  This year however, I was thinking I was going to have a little bit more time to put in the effort for NaNo but now I'm beginning to second guess that assumption.

Here's some things I"m going to be doing over the next eighteen days.

1. Write the ideas I've come up with for my novel down. Things change through out the course of NaNo, I know this even from what little I accomplished last year. But it's always a good start to have some beginning thoughts down as you get started.
2. Free write.  I never really got around to doing any free writes last year before NaNo started, but I've heard that it helps your mind become open to just write and not really worry about what you're writing.
3. Marking the days where I absolutely can not write off of the calendar.  Not only is Thanksgiving in NaNo month, but so is our show.  I know for a fact there will be at most seven full days I won't be able to write during NaNo.  It's always good to know when you won't be able to write so you can make up those lost word counts on a day where you might have more time to write or you simply just ended up writing more than the daily 1,667 words.
4. Give some thought to character names.  I always, always, ALWAYS get hung up on names when I do writing projects. So, considering I have a strong idea for my plot line I'm going to go ahead and name my main characters so there's one less thing to worry about when NaNo starts.
5. Make lists.  Lists including things I want to happen, settings, special objects, and any other specific things that I might want to include in my novel at some point.  This way, I won't forget about them or if I have troubles of writer's block appearing (which I hope won't happen) I can have some things to work into my novel to help fuel some brain power.
6. Get excited.  I'm already pretty excited for NaNo to start again. But I'm hoping that I'll get so excited over it this year my excitement will continue through the entire process and help me finish my novel this year.

I'm sure you'll be hearing more of my NaNo planning in the coming days; I might even be needing some help on a few things...  If any of you are by chance planning on doing NaNo send me an e-mail (nerdfighter2012@hotmail.com)!

If you'd like more info on NaNo just go to NaNoWriMo.org

Happy planning!

10DYC: nine loves

Preface: these are in no specific order.

1. family: I have absolutely no idea what I would do without my family, and by family I mean my parents, brother, and all extended family including the uncountable cousins and aunts and uncles.

2. fishing: my biggest stress reliever and an activity/hobby that I really enjoy.

3. books: they offer so much but yet so many people don't give books and reading enough credit.

4. writing: I've never really been into keeping a steady writing project going, with the exception of BEDA which surprised me, but there's something about writing in general that makes me calm.

5. nature: If I hadn't gotten so adjusted to living with so much technology I would love to live in a basic house structure out in the country and just take in everything that nature has to offer.  It's so beautiful but yet it gets such harsh treatment.

6. traveling: I haven't been to too many places, but then when I stop and think about the opportunities I've had and really consider myself lucky.  I've been all over my home state of Kansas (which I love so dearly) and several of the states in the mid-west, plus several parts of California.  There's something about traveling and seeing new places that really makes life interesting and fun.

7. Harry Potter: as nerdy as this is, it is indeed on my list.  Having grown up with the Harry Potter series for the majority of my life, the series has helped me through so many things.

8.  Theatre: there's something about being apart of a show that I really enjoy. I love seeing everyone's hard work be put together and show cased on show nights. Some of my most memorable experiences are from my work in theatre.

9. YouTube: there's just so much to YouTube that makes it awesome, and so lovable.  I specifically love how different everyone is and how much inspiration is spread around.

Today was awesome because: my dad took Marcella and I fishing.

days until the fall musical: 42

days until I become an adult: 124

days until graduation: 257