BEDA 11: confusion

I want to preface this post with this: parts of this you just won't understand, I'm just writing today, no editing or even attempting to make it understandable, because honestly, I don't even understand parts of it either.  It seems to me that lately my brain is slightly confused. Or that I've just been over thinking the last nine to ten months.  In a way, a lot of things have happened in the last ten months, but then again, not so much.

Ten months ago would be November (if I'm counting correctly), and November was probably one of the roughest times I've been through.  Between being in charge of costumes and make up for a massive school production of Fiddler on the Roof while not knowing what the hell I was doing, being in a wheelchair from all the pain I was having in my hip which ended up with me not being able to walk much, struggling through school because I was gone so much and just the stresses that every other teenager deals with November seemed like hell to me.  December was a bit better, but not by too terribly much.  I didn't have to worry about a show and I was able to focus more on my school work but the pain in my hip hadn't been getting better but worse each day.

I can't even really remember the times we went to various doctors and specialists between November and January, there were so many of them that I don't even remember much of anything, it all seems to have blurred together and become a fuzzy memory in the back of my brain.

There are two specific appointments, both in January, that I remember quite well.  The first one was towards the beginning of January when my parents and I packed for at least three months worth of stuff into the truck and headed to St. Louis, Missouri where I was to meet with the specialists at the Shriner's Hospital for Children where I had my first hip surgeries when I was eight, when things were a lot more simpler even though they still were unsure about most things.  I remember on the way to St. Louis my emotions that I felt.  There was a strong chance that we were going to be in St. Louis for a couple of months if they decided to replace my hip there.  By this point, a full joint replacement was really the only thing that was feasible, considering the entire joint was so deformed to a point where they couldn't go in and reshape it back to how it was supposed to be.  I was also scared to death, because there was a lot of uncertainty going into this trip and I didn't know how to handle it.  I wasn't for sure how things would end up.

Things in St. Louis went bad.  I won't get into the appointment just for the mere fact that it still makes me very very very angry to think back about it, and quite frankly, I don't remember every thing that had happened in the first place because I tend to block memories from my brain so I won't go back to them.

Coming back from St. Louis though, I felt quite different.  There was a bit of relief though, knowing that I wasn't having surgery in St. Louis, eight hours away from home and my family and knowing that my mom wouldn't to make the long journey several times a week like she had a few years ago to make sure she didn't lose her job but also be there with me.

The second appointment that I remember quite clearly was with the surgeon that eventually ended up doing my hip replacement.  We had seen him before we went to St. Louis, he was actually the one who wanted us to go to St. Louis in the first place to get a second opinion from the surgeons who had first worked on my hip those eight years previous.  Coming out of that appointment with my surgeon that day I was finally relieved that we had a date in the books to get this taken care of.

I had my hip replaced on February 14th, yes, ironically enough it was indeed on Valentine's day.  We ended up having to wake up at 4:30 in the morning so we could be at the hospital at 0'dark in the morning (I don't even remember what time to be honest, it was far too early for me). Sunday night, the day before, I was supposed to have packed my hospital bag and then got a nice full night of sleep.  Neither of those happened.  Even though I was very much excited about finally having surgery, I just couldn't do either of those things, mostly because I procrastinate.  I packed like a ninja that next morning and suffered the long drive up to Wichita to the hospital with no food or drink in me.

I remember pre-op quite well, but I won't get into that because really all it was, was me cracking jokes here and there to set my parents and myself at ease, laughing at the faces of the nurses who kept poking their heads into my curtained room confused as to why a seventeen year old was there for a joint surgery.  I also remember post-op quite well.  I remember waking up in a lot of pain, and when I'm in pain, most specifically one of my legs/hips, I have to move my body.  It seems to set me at ease if I'm moving.  I could definitely feel pain on my right side, and I couldn't move because they had these air pump things strapped onto my legs to keep the blood flowing so I wouldn't end up with a blood clot.  And then I remember crying for my mom, and refusing to wear the oxygen mask, well I didn't refuse, I just kept taking it off to attempt talking to my mom. So they eventually gave me an oxygen nasal cannula so I'd stop messing with it.

A close family friend of mine, a lady that I've known for a few years now and that I go to church with had came up to the hospital and sat with my parents when I was in surgery.  She was the first person besides my mom and dad that saw me after surgery.  I guess that she spent quite a while in my room with me talking...but I don't remember hardly any of it due to the medicines they had me on...I definitely wasn't very competent at the moment.  That evening a group of close friends came up to the hospital with a bunch of Valentine themed things from people at school and they stayed with me for a couple of hours that night after my parents had left to go home.

The two days after surgery were difficult.  I was trying to get used to having a leg that was the same length as my left leg, and trying to learn how to walk again through the pain, even when I didn't want to continue on.  I knew from day one, when they got me up out of bed that afternoon after surgery and had me walk to the bathroom that the pain I was experiencing wasn't permanent, that it was a different type of pain. Almost a good pain in a way.  The few days after I got back home were even worse.  Also the first couple of physical therapy visits were intense.  I thought it was the equivalent of the Marine Corp boot camp at the time.

But since then, since I had my surgery I mean, I've been progressing every single day.  Sometimes though I don't even realize how I'm progressing, but I know I am.  I remember the day I first walked in public with no crutches. It felt soooo good to be able to walk with a GOOD hip, and though I was still limping a bit because of balance issues, I knew that limp was going away at some point.

Lately, my brain seems to be thinking a lot of what was before February 14th.  I think it gets confused sometimes, actually I think it's just plain ass confused.  I can use my hip muscles in ways I never could before but I have difficulty doing so because my brain has been programmed for years and years to not do certain things.  It's so frustrating at times, because I've gotten to a point where I for the most part don't even realize that I've got a prosthetic hip, which is a good thing, but then when I do simple things, I still do them how I used to.  For example, putting on my shoes and socks.  I can put my left ones on really well, no problem at all.  When it comes to my right, I have to figure out strange ways to put my sock and shoe on because I can't just bend my leg up and put them on.

I've rambled far too long...but honestly, this feels good.  To finally be able to write down some of the things I've been feeling for a while, even if no one else understands any of it all.

Today was awesome because: I finally got my pedometer I ordered in the mail today.

days until senior year starts: 5
days until I become an adult: 148
days until graduation: 281
steps taken today: 633+